I don't think it will ever change.
It kills me.

Date:	2011-03-01 17:50
Subject:	Fate
Security:	Public
Mood:	anxious
Music:	Love You More--Eminem

Never did I believe I would go running back to Nicolas. But when something goes wrong, he is the first person I call, the only person I need. He holds me, comforts me, kisses away the pain.

And he is not the only one I love. I love Raisin. Who has lost everything, who has never known love, who will do ANYTHING to take the pain away. He is in rehab. He can't control it anymore. He admitted to loving me. But I know that nothing will ever come of that. We can never be.

That's not why I'm with Nic. I thought I hated him. I thought I loved him. He cheated on me, hit me, yelled at me, made my life HELL. But somehow every calm, loving moment I had in his arms was worth the pain. And since we've been back together, it hasn't been the same. And I got pretty good at taking up for myself against all the girls trying to take him from me..again.

On Saturday, Raisin will be back from rehab. Trinity's birthday party is that day as well. Nic is buying her something for us and coming with me to the party. I want him to be there with her. I want her to know him. I want him to stick around.

No one has been through what we have. No one can relate to what we can. No one has lived in our shoes.

Nicolas is my everything.
I want to marry him.
I want to be with him forever.
I want to have children with him. (In fact, I think I'm pregnant now...)

He is my world.
He is my life.
I cannot breathe without him.


And though he takes my breathe away,
He is what keeps me alive.


I love you, Nicolas.
I always will.

-Jessica Renee.

You've changed everything.
You've left me with this giant void
That I can't possibly fill.
You set the bar too high, Daddy.
There's no way I can reach it now.
Between the cutting and the guys,
I think you've given up on me for good.
I guess I've let you down again.
You expect me to be strong.
You expect me to hold on.
How can you expect that
When you couldn't hold onto me?
At thirteen, I wasn't ready to leave.
I wasn't ready to grow up.
I wanted to keep being your little
Pumkin Rabbit
Forever.
But you handed me these weights
And expected me to run.
It's just too hard.
And I need to feel your arms around me.
I need you to tell me things will be ok.
I wonder what you'd think right now.
You'd think what everyone else does.
You'd tell me I'm just like my mom.
You'd tell me I'm a whore.
You'd tell me that no one can ever love
Someone like me.
And you're my Daddy.
You're my hero.
So I guess you're right.
You're right about all of it.
I've let you down again.
Am I not allowed to be happy?
Am I not allowed to love?
Daddy, tell me it's ok.
I need you to tell me so I can
Let myself.
Will you ever understand?
I'm still thirteen inside.
I still want to run into your arms,
I still want you to pick me up,
And tell me that I'm beautiful.
Tell me that you love me.
Just once.
Please, Daddy.
If you would only say it once,
I think I'd be ok.
I think that I could make it in the world.
I think that I could wait for him
To be with me.
I think that I could be strong
For everyone
If you'd just tell me that I'm good enough.

I miss you, Daddy.
It sucks to know that I'll never compare
To your happy family.
You've forgotten me.
But I can't forget you.
I love you, Daddy.
I wish you loved me too.

Your daughter,
Jessica.
</3 "Plans made I am sitting on the hard cement railing of a freeway overpass. Legs dangling, I watch the unrelenting motion of normal people in daily transit. Mind-boggling, how so many seperate lives travel in such remarkable unison. Soul searching, I know that I will never squeeze into such a common mold. Brain racing, I struggle to reach a decision. God, whoever He is, only knows which way I'll go. Heart breaking, I think that if Dad, staring down the sight of a 10mm, would only tell me he loves me, I could easily change my mind... ...but he won't." -Burned by Ellen Hopkins

Date:	2010-07-22 23:48
Subject:	Are you ok??
Security:	Public
Mood:	confused

No. I'm not ok anymore.
I'm so far from "ok" that it's not even funny.
And I'm sick of pretending like I'm anywhere near "fine".
So no, no I'm not.
I'm not anything right now.
I'm not even numb.
I'm just waiting here patiently
for her to leave
and him to come to me.
I can't take this much longer.
Just sitting here and waiting.
And believing with every atom in my body,
every piece of my soul,
that he's different.
When I have no proof.
I have nothing but hope.
Those nights you spend pretending,
Telling her you love her,
are the nights I dessect your every movement.
The nights I remember
Our kisses
Our hugs
Our words.
And I try to translate them,
open them and look around
for alterior motives
and red flags.

I find nothing.
Nothing but pure love.
So why, why do I tear myself down?
Torture myself with the thoughts of
You and her?
Oh how easily your silver tongue decieves,
and how quickly I am to believe
such a straight faced liar.
But for good cause.
You would never lie to me, right?
I trust you.
I believe you.
With every part of me.
So please understand when I tell you:
I love you.
This hurts.

I don't want to do this anymore.
I don't want to wait.
But I will.
It's worth it.
If you mean what you say,
There will never be another like you.
So I'll wait
and decompose
and eat myself alive from the inside out,
because it doesn't matter how torn apart I become,
or how shattered I look in the end.
There is one person that can put me back together,
and make me feel
Pretty
for once:

You.

So no, I'm not ok.
I hate this so much.
But I love you.
And I know you love me.
I know it.
So please hurry.
I feel like part of me is missing
And I need you to make me whole again.
Just tell me you love me
And your wish is my command.
You are everything to me.

I hope you can understand that...
I love you.
<3

What's the point in hiding;
What everyone can see?
They know I love you,
And I know you love me.
Your kisses taste like magic;
They're sweet upon my lips.
They leave my body shaking,
Down to my finger tips.
Your attitude is perfect;
You're every dream come true.
Tell me that you love me,
Cause you know I love you too.
We're speaking in these hushed tones,
I whisper in your ear:
You know we're losing them,
But the most we lose is fear.
It's us against the world now,
We're fighting til the end.
I know that this is worth it.
It isn't just pretend.
We're rushing towards the ocean,
A sea of endless space.
Together we will show them:
The whole wide human race.
Instead of sending death threats,
They send us pleas and cries.
But I can see right through them,
And drop the severed ties.
At first you were my magic trick,
A secret never shown.
But they can all see it now.
It's time to let them know.
A kiss outside her window;
It's there beneath her chin.
All the things she once knew,
will soon come to an end.
Now she's on your bad side,
She tries to make you choose.
I guess she doesn't see
She has everything to lose.
Taking you for granted
Accusations off the wall,
Love can't hold you up
When you only want to fall.
Now you say you're done with her,
You want to be with me.
Tell me why we're hiding
What everyone can see?


Do you really think that threats
Can kill away true love?
I'm telling you his kisses
Are angels from above.
That necklace he has?
Yeah, it came from me.
I'm tired of this game,
It's time I let it free.
The nights he stays out late?
It's in my arms he lays.
And when he didn't talk to you?
He talked to me for days.
The marks there on his shoulder?
Yeah, that was quite fun too.
Some people saw us kissing,
Too bad it wasn't you.
The braclets on his wrists?
He wears them all the time.
I'll tell you right now why:
At one point they were mine.
Remember when he went camping?
Guess who came with that night!
Beer cans laying everywhere,
Wasn't that a site!
The times he spent just "working"?
Don't think I have to say.
Hopefully by now you see,
It's best to turn away.
You play your little mind games,
You treat him just like dirt.
It's easier to walk away,
When all he knows is hurt.
And now your paranoia,
Has your back against the wall.
The girl who stayed behind
Is finally standing tall.
Remember all the screaming?
The times you made him snap?
Finally his tears
Fell in someone else's lap.
And who was there to help him
When all you did was play?
In front of you I'm standing.
Beside him I'm to stay.
Your threats fall onto deaf ears.
I'm tired of your game.
Know that when he's kissing you
That boy isn't the same.
-Jessica

Date:	2010-05-16 09:41
Subject:	I'm beginning to notice...
Security:	Public
Mood:	exhausted

It's so fucking difficult to have a job and a life.

Date:	2010-02-24 06:09
Subject:	2/24/10
Security:	Public
Mood:	cynical

Strange how a dream can have you looking over your shoulder every minute, flinching at every sound, (from hope or terror I'm not sure), wondering what was real and what was just your typical nightmare.

In my dream:
Nicolas and I were at McDonalds. I looked up and saw Dave walking through the door. He looked up for a moment and then just stared at the ground. After a few minutes, he left. I saw him walking across the parking lot. I followed him. Knocked on his car door and asked for a cig. He smiled as he handed me one.

Funny how a simple dream like that can make me too scared to go back to sleep.

Date:	2010-02-23 20:46
Subject:	Suicide.
Security:	Public
Mood:	depressed

Every moment is what step closer to being forgotten. We're always getting closer and closer to death. Every minute of every day is our time winding down. Yet when people commit suicide, take their lives, choose their fate, people frown upon them. How does anyone know they wouldn't have died that day anyway?
Well this farmiliar humiliation crept over me and I had to leave. I fell onto the ground and just stared at myself in the mirror. Years ago, I wouldn't imagine my life like this. But now it's all too clear. As my tears fall, like a deafening crash in my ears, I realize there is no one there to gently brush them away. There is no one here now to tell me it's alright, wrap their arms around me until I fall quietly into my welcoming dreams. My sobs echo in this strange place. I am alone.
And this life...they say it's like a roller coaster. But I don't see the tracks moving upward, into the sky. They only go down. Farther and farther into this place where I find myself hugging my knees and rocking back and forth, back and forth. I am paralized with fear. I need to leave. Let me off of this thing! But the end is far from here, down deep in a pit of my own sorrows, fears. Deep within my self-loathing, hiding away to eat me from the inside out. Tear away my protective armor. It will shatter at the end of this ride. So I jump. I jump off the side. And fall down, down, down. No one is there to put me back on my feet this time. No, no one is there to save me.
And so I land with a solid SPLAT. Face down in a pool of my own cold blood. A pitiful sight, I'm sure. Angry faces stare. How dare someone cast a shadow on their happy world? She will go to hell for sure. But I don't. I stay here in this silence. Alone. Remembering how once upon a time, I could never imagine this fate. Because there is no heaven. And if there is, why don't we go there sooner?

Date:	2010-02-20 16:02
Subject:	Ties
Security:	Public
Mood:	artistic

People say that once you love someone,
you can't stop.
Maybe I disagree with that statment.
I think love can be broken,
crushed beneath the pain
with no shovel to dig it's way out
to show itself through all the trouble
and make it all worth it.
I think that after a while,
your heart shields itself,
angry that you won't protect it.
Scared of what it knows is coming.
Like a psychic near a plane crash.
Watch it burn.
I think that's when you stop loving someone.
I think it's the moment when
you realize
everything they said was a lie.
When you can't even see your heart
behind the tears, and fears, and pain,
and all the trash that's buried it.
When you can't tell left from right
in this darkened exsistence
and there's no hand reaching out to save you.
I think that's when you can
break the tie.

And yes, I thought I loved you once.
But now...
Now I don't.

There are no dreams.
There are no fairy tales.
And what is not living cannot die.
And who does not care cannot suffer.
And if you're there, you are not here.
In my arms.
Where I am crying I do not smile.
And where I stand I cannot fall.
It is logic that we use
We cannot forget if we remember.
We cannot remember if we forget.
We cannot cry if we have no tears.
What is not living cannot die.

The sound of a car horn.
That's the last thing I heard.
Suffocating.
The air cutting my face.
My breathing coming out in little puffs.
My heart in my ears.
Lights flashing.
Someone called my name.
The hard pavement.
It's true that your life flashes
right before your eyes.

As we enter the house, you throw your arms around me.
We assume the fight is over but I realize
I'm not ready to forgive and forget.
The whole ride home I find myself wishing, begging
One car would turn a little too fast
Swing around that corner, lights flash
And then someone, SOMEONE would realize
Something is wrong.
Come take me. Put me out of my misery.
Take me away from these stupid people in this stupid life.
These anxiety attacks are giving me fits. I swear I'm at the end of my wits.
You're telling me to breathe, JUST BREATHE
But it's not that easy.
And I realize
I'm not quite ready to forgive and forget.
And forgetting is easy when you blind fold
Easy to hold back the tears when you ignore them
Fly under the radar and we are falling.
Forgiving is the hard part.
To forgive those loved ones for ruining my life
They haunt my dreams. I sleep with one eye open
In the most literal sense.
I'm screaming cam somebody HEAR ME?
And if there's a god can he see me?
Can he feel me reaching out to him?
Praying as they tear me limb from limb
Piece by piece.
And I realize
I'm not ready to forgive and forget.
To open up show the world the real me.
Inside I hide and cry freely.
But I haven't cried in months. Haven't let myself go.
Catch myself falling everytime. Can somebody hear me?
I'm calling out this last time before I
Open myself up. Bleed myself out.
Maybe then someone will realize something is wrong.
Maybe ten they'll realize
Just like breathing
Its not that easy
To forgive and forget.

Just a quote I found that I really like. It's by Edgar Allan Poe.





"All the years of love forgot, in the hatred of a minute."

You're stuck behind a flood.
Of your own lies.
Caught in a web.
Of deciet.
You're reaching out to me.
What about your love?
Your life?
Your everything?
I was that once.
I laugh bitterly.
It all seems so foreign.
Like a time centuries ago.
An age in which we've evolved.
And I've come to realize your lies.
The pain is almost palpable.
She's so haughty.
Nothing like me.
You said I was everything you wanted.
Now this?
Makes no sense.
Our love was child-like.
That's what you said.
And at that time I was fond if the term.
But now I realize it was a plot.
A game.
It's all a childish game.
And I think I've lost.
I fancy the truth behind all this.
So I reach behind this wave.
I'm terrified of what I'll find.
And to my horror I find what I assumed.
The truth.
And satisfied with this discovery.
I throw you to the sharks.
Let them kill you.
Your screams mean nothing as I turn away.

I can feel your hands there
There upon my arms now
Pulling me down
Keeping me from harm now. 

I can feel those bruises
Right above my elbow
Letting the whole world know
I'm safe from harm.

When you talk to them, you're so fucking happy, like nothing could go wrong. And then you do the stupidest thing just out of spite..you say "I love you." And there's silence. And you don't want to say something else, change the subject. You keep praying, screaming in your head, hoping they'll say it back. Even if it's not true because you KNOW deep down that it's not true. But nothing..for hours. Just staring at the blinking line. You never say a word. Just pray. Until you fall asleep feeling empty and alone, you can't even feel your tears. You're numb. It never ends.

Date:	2010-01-22 22:01
Subject:	Flood.
Security:	Public
Mood:	confused

I love you.
That's all I say to you.
Though there's so much more.
I want to explain.
I know the answers,
the replies I recieve.
Smartass, depressed, pointless.
Who cares.
It's never what I need.
I want to tell you how I really feel
Explode and melt
and die there in your arms.
The last words I need to hear
Are how you really feel.
But then I'd die alone
unhappy, my heart broken.
It's pointless
To let it go.
So I keep it all inside.
I flood myself.
And there's so many emotions
Words begging to be let out.
I'm exploding at the seems.
But I tell NO ONE how I feel for you.
Why?
Because I've learned.
It's pointless to love you
To need you how I do.
So when they say I love you
I lie.
I say I don't, I can't, I won't.
And that's fine for now.
But the longer I go without feeling your arms
Around me
The more I flood,
The more I cry myself to sleep,
The more I need,
The more I deny,
The more I try,
To make you mine,
Only part
of your heart
at least.
Please.
Stop turning me away.
You're flooding the gates
With denial.

Date:	2010-01-22 21:02
Subject:	Missing
Security:	Public
Mood:	disappointed

You hurt me and we can't go back
Serious like a heart attack
I'm missing and I back-track
Knowing I can't take it back.
I run one way and to the next.
Hoping I can past the test.
Needing someone near or far
To tell me who we really are.
I say I love them
Then I lie.
They never know real me inside
I hope and plan to stay that way.
And never have to face the day.
They all meet up one August night
When the cool breeze wraps you up so tight
And they start to yell and fuss and fight
And you say to me, we'll be alright,
And I laugh and think you've lost your mind
And wish that you'd leave me behind.
I'm not worth anymore I say
Just leave me to this dying day.
I hope to meet my final breath
And with these words I greet my death
I wish that one could love me so
But in the end, I'll never know.

Date:	2010-01-22 20:52
Subject:	There In Your Arms...
Security:	Public
Mood:	guilty

There in your arms..
I prayed the time away.
What a waste?
Hoping in the end
There's something left to gain.
I never looked
Deep in your eyes I never saw
The swelling need
And what I'd in the end dispise.
It's so degrating
Knowing in the end you're only hating.
Pretending to love
And I am praying
That in the end
There's something left to gain.
Am I insane?
I need you so.
And I keep it to myself.
Not worth it to let them know
What a waste
This little taste of love will bring
And all I need
So I proceed
To completely lose my mind
In your arms
Praying we could have more time.
Before I go back to reality
Audible snap and I'm sad to see
You'd never feel that way for me
And I can't believe
That there in your arms
You kept me safe from harm
Always hurting inside
But you turned away to hide
The tears were streaming down your face
And then gone without a trace.
I never had a chance
To wipe them away
What a waste.
I stood there in your arms
And for that day
Everything was ok
I slept there in your arms
and for that night
I was alright.
And now I need to feel your arms
Wrapped around me
And I pray
Wishing the moments away
So I can get back to reality.
It's so degrating
Here I love
And there you stay hating
The moments that we miss.

Date:	2010-01-20 20:50
Subject:	Smoke and mirrors
Security:	Public
Mood:	rejected

How many faces do you wear?
One? Two? Four? Seven?
What are lies?
Yes? No? Maybe so.
When do you speak the truth?
Do I care?
God I love to hear you say it.
It's my favorite lie.
It's my twisted evil fairy tale.
My beautiful fantisy.
Decieve me.
I want you to lie to me.
Tell me what I want to hear.
My love. My fear.
My need.
I hate it.
Tell me what you want.
But PLEASE don't tell me to go.
I don't think I could take that.
I need you.
I wish I didn't
just lie to me again.
Tell me you love me.
Tell me you want me.
Tell me that you need me.
I know it's not true.
Never will be.
But though it kills me
I need it.
The farmiliar pain
of loving
without the promise of return.
My beautiful illusion.
You.